Curtain raiser

Dear P,

If I remember correctly about 4^th March 2014 - it was a pleasant morning at Sangath and I was sitting next to Brad. That corner is still one of my favourite spot in VSF. I could sit there till the last tangent of sun was touching the sky and the trees were retreating for the night. Brad, the American architect is a white zombie who is easily recognisable; for he will be the last man on earth to have spent each of his earnings in buying Coke (that black aerated drink used in villages to clean the urinals). Why Brad in this story! Well, it is from his playlist that I found CCR and they play a very important role in the future of this story.

So, I was listening to these two songs (Have You Ever Seen The Rain & "Who'll Stop The Rain") by (CCR) Creedence Clearwater Revival, a famous American band active during the late 60s and I texted you! The number, according to my assumed phonebook was of SID BENGA aka Siddharth Chakravarty whose role in the story is like a humorous commercial during a nail-biting situation in a match played between India and Pakistan.

What you affirmatively refer as “serendipity” was something of an accident to me until I met you in person. I don’t remember the date but I clearly remember my agitation when I first saw you. I was not attracted to you. I felt this might be another mistake but I kept my cool (I don’t remember the reason) and sat across you. The dining table, the living-room, the yellow wall, air in that room that tickled me constantly in your presence, are all reminders! I will cherish the nostalgia whenever the memories of that house would be recollected.

When I spoke to you at the entrance door I was occupied by the impotent idea of a belief. Also, a fear walked along when I ignored you and rushed inside the house. I could not see you in the eyes. I am a little confused as to that was initial shyness or plain disbelief. The queries are of a belief which was based on an immature imagination; is also a fatal cause of most incomplete works of mankind. Why fear – is a long story but will unfold soon.

A debate of mind within a mind about the idea of a stranger; the answer is still under construction, apart from this, I have always been hesitant at the idea of change but I never decline the importance of it under certain circumstances. To be precise, it was a moment of convulsion concealed under my silent and expressionless skin.

                  To be or not to be - is a kind of romanticist notion, an inexplicable sense of freedom when you seek confidence in the company of someone who you have never seen. Like a conscious attempt to fulfil a mad dream – the freedom of being anything/nothing/everything and the romantic idea of being without having a physical dimension of existence. (Rain is getting louder and scarier….now!)

What I didn’t like here was my idea of a stranger being replaced by a definite face, body, identity. This might sound a bit selfish but I will still prefer those days of not seeing you and being yours than the days of being next to you and trying to be yours. I still feel, we both are immature but we show sign of maturity, seldomly; and this is being hopeful and that I call a positive perspective!

We met because you were looking for me and I was looking for you, unknowingly, unconsciously…. that is how I justify the act of serendipity! I don’t know or would never claim that we shall be together forever (future is where the plans fail) though from where I stand and feel we might be together – forever but what I am certain about is that I have become a little stable after finding you. Like reaching another country and feeling somewhat settled. This can also be because I have crossed 25 years of my human age! I am not old yet I feel the age and also, time plays a pivotal role in our energy levels, enthusiasm toward any adventure and our perspective at looking at life, things, situation, and people. I am beyond being happy now with you.

I have loved a lot of men, women, children, things, gods, stories, ideas, trees, routes, memories, lyrics, musical compositions and each of them separately rules a part of my brain. These emotional remains are like prized fossils to my being. They occupy individual spaces in me and such is the museum of self where you will find in future the world as I see is reflected -  more in black and less in white yet don’t be surprised to find many colors hidden in between my mood swings. I hope you will respect each of these and be in love with me even if I go silent.

Hope my next letter brings more joy to our little fantasy world where I am the bird who became a dragon to find the tree who just transformed into a samurai aka dragon rider!

Beyond Love,

N

P.S. – I wanted to write this letter on a piece of paper, wanted to sketch some memories and post it to you. That feeling of getting a letter, the paper, the ink and the effort of posting and the eagerness to receive one is all respected but I wanted to experiment and this blog, the internet became the medium.